Over the past few weeks, I've realized two things about myself.
First, I'm a terrible blogger. I write like a 12 year old and I really suck at keeping up with a post cycle. Sorry for that folks, whoever you may be.
Second, I am the most insecure person I know... I think. Either I'm right, or everyone I know is AWESOME at hiding it. Everyone who sees my work says it's good or even great. Still, I don't believe them. I always assume they like it because they are biased because they like me or because the photos are of them or their kids. I always look at my work and think, "This is utter crap and I hate it and I hate myself." or something of the sort.
I'm constantly trying to impress myself and I constantly fail. It's the most satisfying thing in the world to have a client literally hug you because they enjoy your images so much. I'm not denying that. The problem comes the next day when I'm going through the shoot looking for something to add to my portfolio or for something I'd like to see hanging on my wall. Every single image disappoints me. Nothing makes me go "Oh shit! I love his!" Maybe it's because I'm seeing it for the second time, maybe I'm comparing myself to Avedon, Cartier-Bresson, and the other members of our revered pantheon too much. I don't know but it's bothering me and I don't know what to do about it.
I think all artists have the same problem. I read through something I wrote that got tons of hits, likes, etc. and I'm thinking, "Ugh, that phrasing on the second stanza? CRAP. Couldn't I have found a better word here...and here...and here..." and ultimately slam my laptop shut in frustration and go drink a beer.
ReplyDeleteI think it's just the temperment of our type...creative, but perfectionists. Blessing and a curse, really.
Incidentally, I find all your work both technically polished and emotionally evocative, something difficult to bring together. I do know you but even if I saw your images elsewhere, I would like them. We are both early on in our careers and have a long way to go, and I consider it an honor and a privilege to take this journey with you as both a friend and creative counterpart.
As far as the images being of me, I HATE pictures of myself. One will notice if I take "selfies" they are of...the side of my head..or my legs...or my kids, which..ya know..isn't even a selfie. The only photos I have been thrilled with are those you have taken, for you have a knack for capturing my "good side". Don't discount that...that's very valuable to people, especially us with horrifically low self-esteem. You say we like the images because we're in them, but for some of us, that is a magical thing and you are giving a really precious gift in capturing us in a light that makes us proud to share (like I've shared your images of me like a total narcissist). I can't say it enough...Do. Not. Discount. That. That is precious to us. You're building someone's self-esteem...people pay shrinks a LOT for that. It's a gift.
Keep on keeping on. As far as the blog regularity, I sometimes get busy and don't post..eh,that's life. Set an alarm on your phone for a time you KNOW you're home every day and try to post a little something. I've heard you wax poetic about some piece of equipment or another, so write about what you know well!!